uneasy

Embracing the things that mkae us feel uneasy... that is waht is on my mind these days...

like accepting the chaotic state of my house, doing what I CAN about it, and letting the rest go... even on days when my dad & stepmom are coming over for dinner. My house is not perfect, far from it, but it is filled with LOVE and that is what is most important.

knowing that change is coming... I'm on a job search. This one is not cutting it for us. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. But I do not love my paycheck and I do not love how chaotic our family life becomes during summer when mom is the only one not home all of the time. Not to mention that we have a car payment and an extra kiddo in daycare in the fall. Not to mention that it has been my life's dream to be a teacher and the time has come for me to buckle down and do something to make that happen.

issues... husband and I are trying to work through a lot of STUFF right now. Nothing earth shattering... budgeting, bill paying, debt, family issues.

planning... our parents are all in their 50s. We're starting to put a little bit of thought into making sure that our parents are taken care of when they get older and can't take care of themselves. Not to mention... don't tell anyone... but we haven't done our will... we NEED to take care of that. So many hard decisions to make there.

facing my own weaknesses... I need more discipline in my life. and exercise. and organization. and discipline. and prayer. and did I mention discipline?

One Thing

Mrs. Fussypants offered a challenge of choosing ONE THING to work on yourself for the week.  I probably should make mine 'remembering to exfoliate and moisterize' but instead I opted for "avoiding complaining"...  I think the opportunity to focus on how God has so graciously gifted me in my life will be a real mood lifter and day brightener, both for me and the rest of my family!

What will your ONE THING be?

p.s.  CK, I'm gettin' those pillows finished!  Don't give up on me!!!!!!

the Gospel of Abundance

I'm not church bashing, really I'm not (well, ok maybe a little)... there was a time when all that I ever saw on the tv evangelists was more and more talk about the ABUNDANCE that God was supposedly going to provide everyone. (one particular 'gentleman' w/slicked back black hair, a big ol' smile, and a southen accent stands out in my mind) Of course, they were quick to post their 1-800 number with someone ready and willing to take your credit card number so they could take this 'message from God' all over the world (do ya smell what I'm steppin' in?)... um.... excuse me?

And now our 'nation under God' is floundering. And we wonder why. A long time of over indulgence in the name of God has resulted in broken promises... mortgages not paid, car loans in default, investment accounts dwindeling...

Now don't get me wrong... husband and I don't even begin to pretend that we get it all right. We've been in a number of tight spots that not for the help of a willing friend or family member and we would just be another one of the statistics... but in all honesty, I don't think we've been overindulgent. We bought our house for 10% less than its appraised value. Its a fixer-upper for sure, but I know that we're also building the skills and knowledge to make us (partially) self-sufficient homeowners. Sometimes we've had to learn the hard way (like when husband installed our $100 thermostat wrong and it let the ac & heater run at the same time for a month), sometimes we've lucked into a more affordable solution (like when my stepdad's nephew came and fixed our heater blower motor for no labor charge), sometimes we've un-necessarily spent money (like $30 a month on a home warranty that denied repairing our broken heater blower motor), and a lot of the time... we wait. We wait to fix it until it NEEDS it or until we've saved enough to do what we WANT to do.

And that gets me wondering... do we as a nation know the difference between needs and wants anymore? When we attended Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, his guidelines taught us that food, clothing, shelter, and transportation are NEEDS. Note that furnishings, decor, landscaping (sorry C-re!), remodels, brand names, designer labels, dining out, elite neighborhoods, and new cars are not a part of that list. Because, none of those are needs.

I wonder how many Americans that are currently floundering realize that driving a hoopty (sp? ha!) is OK. Heck, until December of '08 husband and I both drove cars that were over 10 years old, and husband still is driving that ol' Jeep (its 12 years old, btw). And the 'new' (2005 Ford Taurus) car that I'm driving we bought from my mom with cash. We would still be driving the other vehicle that we had now, if that deal hadn't worked out for us. And that would be ok.

I wonder how many of them have closets full of clothes that they paid for with a credit card. I know that none of my clothes (w/ the exception of mmmhmmmm 'unmentionables' bought on credit when I was newly married and very stupid about money) ever sent us into debt. In fact, to be honest, when husband started his new job last fall at a very elite private school and needed new work clothes, I sent him to Goodwill. He came out w/ 4 pairs of khaki slacks (some still had tags on them!) for under $20. All were in great condition, and all will go back to Goodwill this summer b/c he has lost too much weight from coaching (what a problem to have, huh?). And all will be replaced w/more slacks from Goodwill. And none of the preppy kids at his school know a thing about it. And we're talkin' about kids who KNOW how to check out each other's designer labels.

So, what I'm saying trying to get at is this... I'm not judging you if you got into yourself into a bad spot. Because we're still digging ourselves out of credit card debt. We've been there. And its not fast or easy to dig yourself out. Its work. And we have to be willing to work. And suffer a little. And sacrifice. And honestly, the only abundance we have any hope for, will not come in this life.

With Faith Like A Sponge

I don't know about you, but the world these days has me concerned. Killing, immorality, financial crisis, violence, health woes... if you turn on the news, prepare to feel blue.

But the reality is that tragedy is nothing new to our world, and suffering is something that God knows all too well.

Statistics show (and prove time and time again) that in times of crisis, people turn MORE towards faith, particularly here in our nation whenver financial problems arise. I think it has something to do with realizing what's really important, digging in deep and letting go of what's unnecessary, and clinging to that which you know will ALWAYS provide (your faith).

As I was scrubbing out my coffee mug (a task that was particularly difficult b/c our office is out of dish soap and there isn't money to buy more, without someone buying it personally... which hasn't been done... yet) this morning, I looked at the sponge in my hands and realized that I have a habit of squeezing the sponge tight before I run it under the fauce to absorb the water. Humanity is a lot like this. Its when we are squeezed tight, reach a point of struggle that we are then able to absorb and fully appreciate and take in our faith. From there we can do God's will better.

Scripture is FULL of struggle, but a particular Psalm brings me a lot of comfort and hope...
1
1 2 For the leader; according to "The deer of the dawn." A psalm of David.
2
My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish?
3
My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.
4
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the glory of Israel.
5
In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted and you rescued them.
6
To you they cried out and they escaped; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
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3 But I am a worm, hardly human, scorned by everyone, despised by the people.
8
All who see me mock me; they curl their lips and jeer; they shake their heads at me:
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"You relied on the LORD--let him deliver you; if he loves you, let him rescue you."
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Yet you drew me forth from the womb, made me safe at my mother's breast.
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Upon you I was thrust from the womb; since birth you are my God.
12
Do not stay far from me, for trouble is near, and there is no one to help.
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4 Many bulls surround me; fierce bulls of Bashan encircle me.
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They open their mouths against me, lions that rend and roar.
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Like water my life drains away; all my bones grow soft. My heart has become like wax, it melts away within me.
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5 As dry as a potsherd is my throat; my tongue sticks to my palate; you lay me in the dust of death.
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Many dogs surround me; a pack of evildoers closes in on me. So wasted are my hands and feet
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that I can count all my bones. They stare at me and gloat;
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they divide my garments among them; for my clothing they cast lots.
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But you, LORD, do not stay far off; my strength, come quickly to help me.
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Deliver me from the sword, my forlorn life from the teeth of the dog.
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Save me from the lion's mouth, my poor life from the horns of wild bulls.
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6 Then I will proclaim your name to the assembly; in the community I will praise you:
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"You who fear the LORD, give praise! All descendants of Jacob, give honor; show reverence, all descendants of Israel!
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7 For God has not spurned or disdained the misery of this poor wretch, Did not turn away from me, but heard me when I cried out.
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I will offer praise in the great assembly; my vows I will fulfill before those who fear him.
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8 The poor will eat their fill; those who seek the LORD will offer praise. May your hearts enjoy life forever!"
28
All the ends of the earth will worship and turn to the LORD; All the families of nations will bow low before you.
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For kingship belongs to the LORD, the ruler over the nations.
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9 All who sleep in the earth will bow low before God; All who have gone down into the dust will kneel in homage.
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And I will live for the LORD; my descendants will serve you.
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The generation to come will be told of the Lord, that they may proclaim to a people yet unborn the deliverance you have brought.
(emphasis is mine)


This psalm is the one that Jesus quotes when He is on the cross. During this time of lent (and particularly when we read the story of the Passion at mass on Palm Sunday and Good Friday- ok I know its not 'mass' on Good Friday) hearing this psalm offers me reassurance. One part of me thinks, if this is where Jesus found His inspiration in the greatest time of trial and suffering, then it must have something to offer me. And this Psalm does give us many reassurances. But it continues to remind me of what is most important... to Cry out to God, to Seek refuge in God, to Proclaim God's greatness, and to have Faith in God's mercy and love.

If our God can be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, what sacrifices do I need to make in my life, to be worthy of God's greatness? If I am to receive Jesus in the Sacraments, how should I prepare my heart, mind, and spirit for Him? And, as a community of faith, what is my responsibility to those around me?

In Memory... on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade

http://www.catholicvote.com/

Please watch this video and thank your mom for giving you life!

Goals or Resolutions

My online mommy group decided to do a list of goals/resolutions. I'm not sure which category my list falls under (I'm thinking goals)

either way, here's my list

Get back on track with our budget
Pay off our credit card and husband's student loan (that would leave only medical bills and mortgage for debt!)
Lose 20 (maybe 25) pounds
Complete one sewing project every month (did I tell you all I got a sewing machine for Christmas)
Buy husband a truck
Keep up with the house more
Get oldest daughter fully potty trained by the start of the summer

Holiday Recap

Well, I took a short blogging break in order to make it through my time off... yup, my work (and husband's school) gave us 2 weeks off! Today's my first day back in the office. Boy is it hard to concentrate when your mind has basically been in free fall for 2 straight weeks....

so, here's a recap of our time:
23rd- got off at noon-ish and went shopping for the last minute stuff

24th- got up and went to my sister's house for Christmas w/her family and my mom & stepdad... the only picture i got was this: my mom opening the book that i got her (it's called 'my granny's purse' and it is TOO cute!)

left my sister's and drove to husband's home town for a little Christmas eve-ing at the in-laws (attn: booderbean's mom... your dad was great as santa yet again!), drove home that evening

santa came to our house too!

25th got up and did the presents and breakfast thing

(who's excited that santa brought her a new dora sippy cup in her stocking?)

(santa brought me my first sewing machine! ROCK!)

went to church

ate lunch at a flipping CHINESE RESTAURANT!!! (fa ra ra ra ra)
went to my dad's for more presents and dinner

26th went to oldest daughters godparents house for a little visiting... oldest daughter got some of her money out when we went to target that day and purchased a cake mix to make cupcakes for her godparents (isn't that the sweetest?)

27th went to a play place w/oldest daughter's godparents' grandchildren

28th went to my aunt's for a fierce game of dirty santa (i won an awesome coffee press!) and a fabulous gingerbread house decorating contest (for those of you looking for an activity for a post-christmas party, you can usually buy the kits for half off and they are quite a bit of fun... hopefully i'll have pictures of my team's winning house soon)

29th cleaned the house all the live long day so that husband's best friend from grade school could come down and stay with us

30th drove back to husband's home town for some delicious mexican food and some quality time w/friends and grandparents

31st youngest daughter came down w/ a nasty diaper rash and fever due to teething so we canceled our babysitter and our plans... had a somewhat quiet evening watching friend's son.

1st woohoo happy new year! friend's girlfriend got food poisoning. big fat bummer. avoid nachos at the cox convention center during flaming lips concert. went to church- feast of Mary the Mother of God (woot woot!!)

2nd got the girls out of the house so husband could get caught up on grading, then went out w/my mom and sister that evening and saw 7 pounds... it was FAB-U-LOUS!!!!

3rd husband decked our attic (or part of it) so that there is a GOOD (i.e. not the garage) place to store our christmas decorations, etc. went out w/husband that night at pf changs (at spicy sauce spilled all over my dress... booo! but cleaned it up pretty well) got free dinner, went to see 4 Christmases (pretty funny)

4th family slept in and we spent the day un-decorating (my house looks so bare!)

5th back here at work!

cooking up some memories

Confessions of an Apron Queen is asking for memories of cooking during one's childhood... here's mine...

The majority of 'cooking memories' from my childhood involve my mom. My mom grew up very poor, the youngest daughter and 4th of 6 children to farm-folks. They rasied their own chickens and cows, had a garden, chopped their own wood and whatnot. My mom learned to cook because in their house you cooked to eat. There were not trips out to eat, no tv dinners, etc. She's always been a great cook, although we love to tease her about the times that she made rabbit and burned it, or warmed up pizza in the oven and left it in the box (not a good idea, btw). Those mis-haps were pretty rare which is why I think they stick in our minds so much. But the most common memory of cooking would be the baking we would do. My mom was the kind of mom who would take off work on the first day of school and have fresh warm chocolate chip cookies and tall glasses of milk waiting for us. She worked full time as long as I can remember, so this wasn't something we got all the time. In fact, most of our baking sessions were late night endeavors. Ranging from cupcakes to send to school for our birthdays (I hear you aren't allowed to send cupcakes anymore. Has something to do with allergies, or being health conscious or something), to heart shaped sugar cookies for valentines day (half the dough we would die pink, the other half white, and then we'd divide the powdered sugar icing and do half white and half red, sometimes she'd buy a tube of red icing so we could write messages on them), I remember watching her make rolls for thanksgiving, letting the dough rise twice, wanting to be the one who punched it down and relishing the smell of the yeast, and there were of course our birthday cakes... she always let us pick what we wanted for our birthday. When I was 4 it was a chocolate bundt cake, another time it was chocolate sheet cake with cream cheese icing, my freshman year in college I came home for the weekend and she made me a fantastic carrot cake that I got to take back to my dorm and share with my friends (that was deffinitely a hit!). I guess most of our baking stands out because it would be associated with a special time. Connecting food and memories and family is a sacred thing in my life and in my faith.

Now that I'm a mother with 2 daughters of my own, I cherish the times that we put on our aprons and make something together. More often than not, its a mix from a package (keeping a toddler occupied is a lot easier when the most you have to measure is some oil, water, and crack a few eggs) but she is learning the skills that my mom taught me. Reading a recipe, following the directions, measuring, stirring it all together and incorporating all of the ingredients. Baking really is my favorite thing to do, even though experimenting and stepping away from a recipe when I cook dinner is nice too.

If only I'd taken heed the OTHER lesson my mom taught me growing up- clean as you go!

deep thoughts

so, its way too late to be thinking these things... but i am.  here it is 11:11pm on a saturday night and i SHOULD be asleep.  i'm thinking about IKE.  ya know the hurricane, not tina's ex or the dwight's nickname.  i'm thinking about the tremendous amount of loss, the heartache, the suffering, everything...  things that happened just one state away from me.  'they' were predicting that the remnants of ike were heading straight our way (but barely did), so we dodged a bullet.  kind of literally.  the damage and destruction were just horrific and so widespread.  i know people, people i have met in real life, who are sitting at home right now with no electricity.  

but has my life changed one single bit as a result of ike?  no.  honestly, no.  don't get me wrong, i stay informed about what has been going on, i pray for all of those effected.  but my world has not been impacted directly.  and this is such a paradox to me.  that there are people only one state away, people whose homes are floating in the gulf of mexico.  people who stand in line to get water.  people who will not ever get to go back 'home'.  

how is it that our world is so small-  there could be people reading this measly little blog on the other side of the world

yet we are so distanced from each other- that me being one state away results in my life not being changed at all.

so, i guess the question is, if my life has not been directly impacted, how can i change my life? at the very least so that those who are suffering might have that suffering alleviated some small bit...

i'll be thinking on this.

Where were you when the world stopped turning?

It was my senior year in college, and I was up early, as usual, to run to the cafeteria for breakfast before my first class of the day. I passed one tv in the lounge of my dorm on my way to the cafeteria, but it was mounted at the ceiling, and there was no one around at the desk w/the remote, so I decided to get on over to the cafeteria to see what was going on...

This is the image I saw when I got there and thought "what in the world????" Living in a much smaller city, and having never been to New York at that time, I didn't really have any realization HOW BIG those buildings were, how many people were there, having just gotten to work. My initial thought was that there was some kind of computer glitch going on with the local airport and the planes were being directed that way by accident. Matt Lauer and Katie Couric soon helped me understand that something was WRONG.

********

There has been a time in my life where I've known that something was WRONG before... that sense of foreboding... that ominous silent wonder you feel while waiting for your worst fears to be confirmed. I can't help but think back to 9-11-01 and then think my mind wonders to where I was on 4-19-95. Then, I was in 9th grade Algebra, my teacher had just started taking attendance and we felt the earth shake, a loud boom. We were only about 15 miles away from where the bombing took place, and since our school was partially underground (built into a hill) the earth sent tremors that rattled our lockers and the doors to our classrooms. We thought maybe there had been a big wind that got trapped in the pockets of doors, but my teacher sat down at her desk put her head in her hands and I could tell she was saying a silent prayer. She just looked up at us and told us that she knew that something horrible had happened. A few minutes later our principal came over the intercom to give us the bad news.

This is what had happened

So often around my state, these two events get linked together. And no, I don't buy into the conspiracy theories, and I don't even think too much about the 'how' and 'why' of it all. I think more about images from my tv like this:

And I can relate to holding on to hope... hoping that YOUR loved one will be found, and as the hours, days, weeks pass, knowing that you aren't going to get what you hoped for. I have a friend I've known since I was about 9 who lost his mom on 4-19-95. When I found out she was one of the missing, I remember scouring the paper every morning to see if her name had been moved from the list of 'missing' to the list of 'found alive'. And it never did. I can't imagine the pain and grief felt by family members and friends as your mind starts to wonder... 'did they feel anything?', 'did it happen quickly?', 'did they have time to realize what was going on?', 'what did they leave unsaid, undone?'...

so, wherever you stand politically, whatever your points of view on religion, whoever you love or hate, I try to keep these ideas in my mind. I try to remember not to go too long without talking to those who mean the most to me, without telling them, showing them that I love them.

********

The rest of that day is mostly a blur. My first teacher of the day did not cancel class, information about what was going on was skeptical at best, and he wanted us to stay in some amount of normalcy. The rest of the day classes were canceled, and my roommate and I pretty much stayed glued to the news and internet to try and find more information about what was going on. The next few days, panic arose as people began to think we would all run out of gas, the grocery stores would close... etc. Obviously panic was not the correct response, but you can understand how it was easy to happen.

On this anniversary, I pray for those who died, I pray for those who were hurt, I pray for those who lost someone, I pray for the perpetrators, and I pray for all of us, if our lives are going to be changed forever, may we take the lessons we learn to make a better world.

I'm a grownup???

I don't know what hit me today, browsing through my list of blogs I like to read, but something struck me... Ever since I got married at the tender age of 22 I've tread on thin ice feeling like I'm still a kid. Even now, I'm the mother of two sweet girls, I'll be celebrating 6 years of marriage (do the math), we've bought our own home, and our finances are sloooowly falling into line, but me? I feel like I have to live my life in fear, asking permission to do every thing, sneaking around to buy myself a skirt on clearance at Target for $3...

I can't remember which of my blogs over there ----> showed where her husband had built a fabulous trellis/planter box thingy. I thought to myself... when will I be grown-up enough that someone will build me a trellis/planter box thingy? Then I thought... wait... I can build my own ding-dang (love that phrase, thanks June!) trellis/planter box thingy. Mine might be a little more modest given it would be my first attempt, but my dad bought me a beautiful plant as a mother's day gift and it needs a bigger place to grow and it needs something to grow up. So, yeah, I think I'll build me a trellis/planter box thingy.

Hmmm... maybe the fact that I keep calling it a trellis/planter box thingy is why I feel like I'm not a grownup.

Ya think?

Oh, btw, dear readers... my latest 'help me find' is a size large (any color) tshirt with reference to the year 1978. That is husband's year of birth, and he's having a party with some of his friends, so I think he needs a 1978 tshirt. It doesn't have to JUST have 1978 on it. It could be a cool vintage band tshirt with reference to their 1978 tour or whatnot. So, if you see anything, are getting rid of something, or whatever, just let me know.