some day

Emily at Chatting at the Sky has a beautiful post today about remembering what it is like to be a mom to little ones... which got me thinking about this:

I'll never forget last summer... I was pregnant and nauseous all the time and had just finished doing the 'big grocery shopping' with my then 3 & 1.5 year old in tow. I realized that I hadn't thought to find a parking space next to one of the cart return stalls and I had just loaded up the girls, started the car to get the a/c going (blasted Oklahoma 100*+ summers) and loaded all of my groceries into my trunk. I stood there with my cart, probably looking pretty perplexed, and weighed my options

• leave the cart in the middle of the lot where it will probably get caught in the wind and put a major ding into some undeserving person's vehicle
• make a run for it, leaving the girls in the car, and hope no one notices that there is an unattended car running
• unload the super cranky children and make them go with me to the cart stall

... and then like an angel, another mom pulled up next to me saw the trouble on my face and offered to take my shopping cart for me. I will NEVER forget that small act of kindness. She mentioned that she knew what it was like. I hope that some day I can offer the same kindness to another.

church

Lately, either through suggestions from friends or my own internet wandering, I've stumbled upon a few blogs and sites w/beautiful written word and exuberant faith shared. Of course I'm not forward thinking enough to have, ya know... saved those links or anything. If I find them all again I will edit this post to include some links.

But that isn't the point... what has been a learning experience for me has been to read what has been on some owmen's hearts, their need to journal/blog about their faith and the familiarity of so much of what they write. I find myself thinking... is she Catholic too? More often than not, the naswer has been 'no'. But I'm (just being honest here) workingon allowing myself to remain open after I come to that discovery (that they aren't Catholic).

You see, I've lived a very beautiful, but somewhat narrow life. Growing up going to Catholic grade school for 7 years, and then attending college at a Catholic university, I didn't have a lot of people of other faiths in my life. In grade school, there was one baptist girl in my class (she attended there because her mom was our music teacher)...

In high school my horizons were opened when my parents moved us to a home in the country to begin life as public school students. There was so much that was unfamiliar about life in a public school (going from a class of 24 to a class of 104!) that in some ways I found myself clinging to the intimacy of youth group and religious education classes at my parish even stronger. While I did make many friends with non Catholics, the majority of my circle of friends (a beloved bunch of misfits) were not church goers in any way- "Chr-Easter Christians" at the very most (Christmas & Easter). So, in my daily life, faith sharing, evangelization, and ecumenism were not lived experiences.

In college, once again I had a sprinkling of non Catholic friends including my room mate and my would-be husband's best friend. They were never much in a position or perspective to be strongly evangelizing their other churches to me, seeing as how we lived an experience of our Catholic faith with witness from professors who were monks & nuns, consistent involvement in our campus ministry group, and an opinionated and vocal group of fellow Catholic friends who loved to gather at breakfast to debate moral theology over waffles.

Here I am now, 8 years (EIGHT YEARS?!?! WHAT???) out of college and with my theology degree in hand (or on wall) deeply immersed in a very Catholic adulthood. I've worked in parish & diocesan environments, my oldest daughter attends our parish school, our daycare provider is a fellow parishioner... I'm living my faith in a professional manner and husband and I are making our way through raising our 3 girls in the Church.

And through happy circumstances (making friends w/an amazing and diverse group of women who all had babies together and all returned to work after our respective maternity leaves- shout out to my beautiful NOV05WM!!- gaining a larger extended circle of friends and acquaintances, plus that beast Facebook brining me in contact w/so many high school friends, and let's not forget the good ol' internet and world of blogging) I've expanded my horizons socially & spiritually... or at least I'm trying to. The familiarity I've found in speaking with and reading the words of people of other backgrounds and faiths have brought to light a tremendous truth for me... we are all church. We are broken and divided and do not see eye to eye on a number of topics, but the Truth that lives in each of us, His Word living and serving on a daily basis is real. I won't be leaving the beautiful traditions and ritual that are so familiar and nourishing to me, but I do relish the opportunity to witness and admire the aspects of others' faith and how it grows in them.

NEED IDEAS!!!

I have 4 days to come up with 2 wedding gifts. The couple I intend to give them to are very sweet and dear friends of ours and I want to give them something personal (i.e. I want to make them something)... I mean... anybody can go grab them a Target gift card or run to BBB and grab them some wine glasses from their wedding registry, right?

I've done several Lorelai aprons from the book A is for Aprons, so I may do one of those (maybe w/matching potholders???

That's the only idea I've been able to come up with.

And seriously, these are close friends of ours... husband is a groomsman and oldest & middle daughters are flower girls in their wedding.

So... if you've got/seen a stellar tutorial online w/some amazing homemade wonderful-ness that would be perfect for some superfun abouttobenewlyweds... hit me up with some LINKS!!!!!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

minivan mom

do you think this video could make it cool to be a mini van mom? i totally have a swagger wagon (well, mine is a grand caravan, not a sienna)

bentoish2

posting another bento-ish lunch... we have ONE WEEK of PreK3 left... oldest daughter loves taking her lunch which works out well since I can't seem to remember to send her to school with a check to pay her balance on school lunches...





clearly i need to get to the store... we need FRESH fruit & vegetables





butterfly shaped pb&j, boiled egg, whales crackers, raisins, & apple juice

food

2 posts in one day, I MUST have things on my mind (soon I will share... we will see what happens IRL first)...

I've been doing some reading, some contemplating, some wearing of clothes that are too tight and I really want to work on mine & my family's eating habits... and don't get me wrong... I'm not talking major crazy huge changes like going vegan or something... just healthier... getting away from processed CRAP and filling my body with the fuel it needs to give me the energy I want to do what I have to do (be a wife & mom)... easy enough, right?

I think this will probably be the beginning of another series of posts (haven't forgotten that financial journey series... just need to think through some of it some more)...

so, first I will think about the ways we've done better as a family and where we could stand to improve...

once upon a time husband and I went out to eat 3 or 4 times a week... and that was just dinner... it didn't include stopping at McDonald's or Taco Bell for lunch... horrible (what budget problems?)

once upon a time making cheeseburger macaroni was 'cooking'

once upon a time (like this morning... ) our favorite breakfast item was toaster streudel (i blame husband for this one... talk about filling your body with pure sugar and crap to start your morning... and oldest daughter is hooked... I think the store will have to be out of toaster streudel in the near future)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

one of my favorite 'changes' has been to stop using jarred spaghetti sauce. since pasta is a go-to meal at least once a week, it feels good that we are taking the time to make our own sauce & we know what is in it... depending how this summer's garden goes, i think it would be great to be able to jar our own italian stewed tomatoes to take the 'homemade' to a new level (we do start w/canned tomatoes...)

i LOVE wholewheat pasta... husband.... doesn't. i wouldn't buy white pasta again if it were completely up to me (same goes for rice)... there are a few dishes (mac n cheese, penne, etc) where I can usually get him to go with it...

beverages... when I was on weight watchers, they made me very aware that when you have soda or alcohol you are drinking your points away... you aren't getting much or any health benefit in return and you are probably hardly staying hydrated. 95% of my liquid intake comes in the form (in this order) of ice water, ice (DECAF!) tea, coffee, milk or juice. every once in a blue moon I'll have a dr pepper or alcohol, but really, the cheapskate in me doesn't like spending the money on that stuff... plus I feel yucky after I've had it (exception would be a nice glass of wine at the end of a hectic day)

speaking of garden (what? i mentioned it like 4 paragraphs ago!)... i am trying out another garden this year... i had mixed results last year, and I hope things go better this year... so far we've planted okra, tomatoes, basil, jalepenos & zucchini. i'll be adding yellow squash, onions, cilantro, & maybe some pumpkin to that mix... yay!!!! looking forward to a jar of grown-by-us salsa!

what do you do to help your family eat healthier?

Twister!

This movie was filmed in my husband's home town. Oklahoma is considered to be 'tornado alley' and we are 'famous' for our tornadoes. Unfortunately, the one we experienced yesterday has claimed at least 7 lives. Trust me, we have EXCELLENT reporting (and forewarning) when it comes to tornadoes in Oklahoma. For there to be numerous lives lost means SERIOUS weather... of course that is confirmed by the reports this morning of no fewer than 26 seperate tornadoes. Scary.

Now, here's where I start to sound like a fool... many of my non-Oklahoma friends know that we are famous for our tornadoes and make it a point to tell me how they don't know how they could possibly live here... tornadoes seem so scary. And, don't get me wrong, they are. But to me, it isn't any different than any other kind of impending threat that is based on your region. Sure, we get tornadoes, but coastal people get hurricanes or earthquakes. Some get ridiculous fires, others get monstrous snow storms (take into account that Oklahoma's great blizzard over Christmas 2009 resulted in about 12 inches of snow w/3 ft drifts. Some of my east coast friends would consider that to be a dusting)... we all get bad weather and other natural disasters, so instead of thinking that one is worse than another, I prefer to do my best to stay educated about what WE have and know how to keep my family safe. We do not have a basement or shelter at our house. I'm sure eventually we will prioritize that in our finances, but for the time being, our hall closet protects us well (with the girls wearing bicycle helmets) or, if it looks particularly ominous, our next door neighbors do have a shelter in their backyard.

So, please pray for our safety and when I hear about your wildfires or blizzards, I will pray for yours.

mommy

my first mother's day w 3 darling daughters.... LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

occasionally I still get the question "are you going to try for a boy"... ummmm.... no. not that I have anything against boys, but really, I believe God will give us the children we are meant to have, our hands are pretty full at this point, and the assumption that our family isn't complete without one of each gender makes me feel like the person asking me must not realize that there is not one canned 'boy personality' and one canned 'girl personality'... with 3 daughters I know that they are each very different, and they are each such wonderful gifts to me

I thank God for that!!

Bento Bento Bento

Just a Girl had a list of links and one of them that I checked out was this great blog...

the goal: HEALTHIER lunches for your kiddos... the kind that they will actually eat, mind you.

why it works: We all know that toddlers/preschoolers tend to be grazers. They love to snack rather than sit down for a giant meal (at least that's how my 2 older girls are)... so, to me, this idea meets that preference and at the same time fills their bellies w/healthy attractive meals that will keep them fueled through their busy days. I'm no pro yet. I don't have fancy egg shapers or anything like that, but I finally remembered to take a picture of one (I bought the gladware disposable divided containers and they fit PERFECTLY in older daughter's lunch box)...

what's for lunch for her today?

~1 boiled egg (she would eat her weight in these if she could)


~1 slice of american cheese (it's under the juice box... usually we have string cheese, but momma needs to pick that up at the store)


~1 apple juice box


~2 big cut up strawberries (she's picky w/fruit, so we will see how this goes

~a handful of whales crackers (whales are Target's version of goldfish)

my other lunch tip... oldest daughter loves to get a 'special note' in her lunch each day (sometimes I have trouble thinking of something)... but to multi-task, I buy colored beverage napkins (you can usually find fun ones on clearance at Target) and write the note on the napkin w/different colored sharpies... fun!

Sewing challenge...

I'm on a bit of a crafting/sewing kick these days... not that I've accomplished all that much, BUT I have scoured the internets =P and found some great tutorials that I'm trying out a few at at time. I have already done this tutorial once, just to try it out... and came up with this:

I'm pretty happy with the results, although it turned out MUCH bigger than I was expecting, so I think I'll make a few adjustments to the size. The size of this lime green beauty is perfect though on my teal oversized bag. Anything smaller would have been swallowed up, I think.

Anywho... my budget is tight this year, so with Mother's day right around the corner, I've got some crafting planned for gifts. I'll be making those flowers for my mom & stepmom, one for oldest daughter's teacher (because of course, in honor of mother's day coming up, we busy moms also get to busy ourselves with thoughtfulness & stress of teacher appreciation week), and one for each of the girls' godmothers.

Additionally, for my mom, I am working on this little project. As I've mentioned here before, my family has never been one to keep any kind of history or link to our past. I'm determined to change that for future generations and starting by having each of my parents do a little journaling for me.

I'm hoping to take a few pictures and show off the results of these projects soon, so stay tuned!

sewing...

Well, little number 3 got 'all washed up' this weekend, but leading up to it, I was itching to try a few tutorials that I've found online... the pictures are NOT great, and I didn't even get a picture of the baby in her matching outfit (after mass), but the main goal of this post is to link to some great tutorials that I recommend....

the girls skirt came from here

the rosette (which actually comes out MUCH smaller than the tutorial pictures would make you think, fyi) came from here

and little one's matching onesie/dress (not shown... I'll try to get a picture of her in it in the

next few days and update) was an interpretation (I didn't use elastic for the skirt, I just sewed a ruffle - one long running stitch set at highest tension and longest stitch, then pull the threads... next time the elastic may work better) from here

Happy sewing!

never forget

So many of my facebook friends are saying "I can't believe it has been 15 years"... but I know there is another side... a side that KNOWS it ahs been 15 years... 15 years since they kissed their momma goodbye before school, 15 years since their sweet daughter called to check on them before heading off to work at her new job, 15 years since holding that sweet baby boy, 15 years since he could keep from feeling scared to go to work... think of what has happened in the last 15 years of your life... for me, I completed high school, college, got married, started my first job, and had 3 babies. Lost my nana and papa. Traveled to Tennessee, Texas, Louisiana, Colorado, New Jersey, New York, Canada, Jamaica, Mexico, Pennsylvania & Minnesota. In other words, I've lived quite a lot of life in the last 15 years. My heart is especially with the Enoch/Alexander family who lost their sister/wife/mother. They have lived 'a lot of life' in the last 15 years without her.

And my prayers are with the perpetrators and their families. I can't imagine the pain, guilt and remorse they feel.

Never forget.

step-family ties

When parents divorce and later remarry they may overlook preparing their children for how to deal with new stepfamily issues. Maybe they don't realize that issues will come up. Maybe they don't anticipate that 'kids' who get along well might not be adults who get along well. Maybe they don't know to expect that the strains of divorce will eventually rear their ugly heads and the differences between how one family was raised and another may not be seen in the beginning, but pop up later. Whatever the case, as a 'child of divorce' (which here, 13 years later still seems like a strange label, since the first 17 years of my life did not carry that label) I (and as an extension my family) feel these strains.





Both my mother and father have remarried and both remarried wonderful people whom I love and am lucky to have in my life. That doesn't mean that I'm happy my parents are not together, but at the very least I can say that I am happy that they are happy. Both of my step-parents have children from previous marriages and in turn each of my step-siblings have very unique personalities. I can see good & bad qualities in each of these 3 people (not that I'm trying to be judgemental)... a step-brother and step-sister on my dad's side, a step-brother on my mom's side.





It feels glaringly obvious comparing my sister and I with our step-siblings that we were raised in very different homes... different experiences, different expectations, different values. Divorce has colored our lives in shades that I think I would describe as wounded. From my own description and point of view I can honestly say that my own parents' divorce still hurts. But one thing is certain, it isn't ever going to go away.





There has never been any type of manual or guidance as to how to be this new version of myself. My parents divorce, coming when I was 17, was easy to put at arm's length. I only had one year of high school left, afterall... I could ignore it, just 'deal' with it for a year and then... a new life. A life of my own choosing. One that didn't require me on a daily basis to face my family being torn into pieces. I only had to think about it on holidays or during the short summer months.





But I digress.





I definitely would NOT say that I dislike my step-siblings. I think the best way that I can describe it is that the wounds of divorce have led (at least two of) them to make choices that contrast with some pretty important values in my own life. I'm REALLY not judging. I imgaine if they knew the way I've kept so many of my feelings and wounds buried these 13 years, they might not think I've made the best choice. Like I said, there's no instruction manual. And I don't judge. But that doesn't make any of us best friends.





But now, as an adult with a family of my own, learning to live with family you didn't pick (but that your parents DID PICK!!!) is DIFFICULT. My dad has been re-married for 9 years, my mom for 8. To this day, I don't completely know how to get along with my step-siblings (particularly the 2 who live in state... there's not a lot of getting along required for a step-brother half way across the country). When those differences in values, the results of choices made by wounded people rub me the wrong way, and I don't know how to stear my own family through the mess. Sometimes the best I can think to do is to keep my own family at a distance, not allow ourselves to be immersed in the chaos and mess. Sometimes I can really feel the pain that that distance causes my step-siblings, parents and step-parents. I feel bad for that. But at the same time, none of us knew how this was going to work and none of us could have expected that sometimes it really does get tangled and messy.





I think it is important to realize & remember that we're all doing our best. We're all trying to figure things out and we don't all get it right all of the time.





Burying my feelings was never a GREAT choice but it was all I knew to do. Maybe some day I can dig them up, dust them off, put them on a shelf and give them their deserved place to be observed at a distance and maybe someday I'll be able to drum up some more positive perspective.

Easter 2010

Life is hectic with 3 kiddos. Who woulda' thunk it? But inspite (despite? I can never remember when to use which one) of that, GOD IS GOOD TO ME! Just take a look at my beautiful family this morning.

thrilled

pardon the lowercase and any typos.... i'm blogging and nursing... necessary multitasking.

i just couldn't wait to tell everyone that one of my all time favorite blogs, the painted house, is BACK!!!! she took a bloggy brreak, but next week she is coming back in full force and having some giveaways to celebrate (including one of her fabulous paintings... lemme tell you i would just die if i won!!!) so,please go take a sneak peak... she is fab-u-lous!

3

Baby girl #3 has arrived... I can't begin to describe the wonderful. She is perfect and beautiful and lovely. I'm loving the time I have to spend getting to know her. This was easily the hardest labor I've ever had, but I also appreciate this 'after' so much more. I guess that is a pretty decent trade, considering I have a forever of 'after' and the labor was only temporary...

more on her birth story in a bit, but for now... feast your eyes...

have you had the baby yet?

I'm getting that and similar comments a lot lately... you're so huge! are you having twins? when is the baby coming? what is the baby doing?

I'm getting to that uncomfortable and cranky stage these days and the snarky answers that I come up with in my head, fortunately aren't leaking out to the rest of the world... yet.

But, today is the 16th, and my edd is the 25th. Since I'm using a new doctor this time, I don't know his policies on letting moms go past their due date, but all signs point to the fact that I'll be holding my sweet baby girl within the next 9 days. Only 9 days left! It is really hard to wrap my brain around.

We have 2 major things left to accomplish 1)choosing her name (which won't be posted here anyways, but trust me, it is HARD finding a name that you and your husband agree on that 'goes' with the names of your other 2 girls) and 2)buying a minivan. We're hoping to do that on Friday (if I haven't had the baby yet!!).

That's right... I'm going to be one of 'those' minivan moms. And since husband coaches soccer at school, the 2 older girls already have a deep fascination with all things soccer. Which means, I may eventually have to become... gulp... a soccer mom. Maybe I should start wearing jumpers and keds... sigh. I'll think about that another day.

But really, this post is about my baby. I cannot wait to meet her, to hold her, to nurse her, to witness her sisters meeting her for the first time. I cannot wait to take that first bleary-eyed photo of the 5 (yes, I said FIVE!) of us together. Baby girl come soon! Your family cannot wait to meet you!

29+1=

Our financial journey...

One of my favorite bloggers, Melissa at A Familiar Path, has started writing the story of her family's finances. This is fascinating to me... the idea that your finances can be a story and not a list. So I've decided to run with that idea and start our story too. Maybe some day when my girls read this blog they'll have some insight to our family's financial history and be able to use that information to make wise choices. Hopefully.

================================================================


When husband and I met in college, we had each already established ourselves in some ways with our finances (in other words, we were both already locked into student loans). Since my parents split up when I was a senior in high school neither of them had the financial stability to provide much in the world of tuition assistance. Being a 'first generation' college graduate (my dad has an associate's degree, but did not come by it as a traditional out of high school live away in a dorm student) there wasn't a lot of knowledge or support on how the whole system worked either. The way that I made my choice of which college to go to was that I picked the one that was giving me the most scholarships. With my ACT score and half way decent GPA I had secured a half tuition scholarship and additionally my dad's membership in a men's fraternal organization through church got me an additional $500 per semester. I showed up for freshman orientation and was informed that as a first year student I didn't qualify for enough loans to pay my entire tuition and room & board, so I called my dad crying telling him that classes were supposed to start the next day and I couldn't go b/c I didn't have any way to secure the rest of a loan for my bill. He took the afternoon off of work and signed a parent's loan in his name, immediately paying it off by borrowing against his 401K. I was so grateful, but at the same time clueless as to how to manage any finances from there. I had been working as a cashier at a lumber company in my home town and retained that position, coming home to work on the weekends. I had a $6200 loan from my bank for my car and made just enough to pay that payment each month along with gas and a few groceries in my dorm fridge. My dad gave me a $100/month allowance which paid for my car insurance. That was basically my story for the next 4 years. After my parents divorce was settled (not reflected until the next year's taxes), I could claim just one parent's income on my FAFSA which helped me obtain a government grant to take the place of my freshman year daddy bailout. I worked hard at school, won a few other scholarships, but basically continued on this way for the next 4 years. My last car payment was made by my little sister as a gift for college graduation. I graduated college with about $500 worth of graduation money, an engagement ring on my finger, an offer to live at home with my dad until I got married, $10K in student loans, and a stack of resumes to start looking for a position using my new Theology degree. I was set!

Husband didn't have much financial support coming from his mom going into college. She had just purchased her first house and was trying to get out on her own for the first time. He had several scholarships like I did, and very supportive grandparents who bought him a car and opened a small joint credit card that he used when he needed new clothes or school books. He received grant money coming from a single parent household but for the most part he lived modestly and saved as much as he could from working during the summers. When he graduated, a year before me, he had already been offered 3 full time positions, took the one that was closest to visiting me, and additionally secured an extra full time temporary position for the summer at a camp. His master plan at the time was to save all of his income from one of those positions and use it to buy me an engagement ring. He lived on his own for a year while I finished school and while he occasionally allowed himself a few luxuries (like the supreme cable package with 800 channels), he lived very modestly through that year. Part of the way through he was able to move out of a 1 bedroom apartment and started renting a 3 bedroom house from the parish where he worked, paying the same in rent he had paid for the apartment.

In August I secured a part time youth ministry position in the neighboring town to his. In September we were married. We had over $20,000 in student loans, a run down country house, and I had big dreams...

Project-ed

It seems the one thing that husband and I are REALLY good at... is starting projects and not finishing them... Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of projects around our house that we HAVE completed and usually the hang-ups to completion are my two friends Time and Money.

However... if there's one thing we've got going for us it is elbow grease. We are both hard workers, just easily distracted (i.e. overwhelmed) by the busy-ness of life.

If there's one more thing we've got going for us, it's that having a third kiddo in our house in the next month (MONTH!!!!?!) will not take long to pose some space issues and the reality that we need to find an affordable home with more space is looming before us.... thus having this house prepared to be sold is going to be taking more of our attention...

Since I managed pretty well with my new year's resolution (one sewing project per month... I know I at least averaged out to that even if there wasn't one project completed each month) I thought I'd write a list of projects I'd like to see us work on. Obviously those time & money fools will play a part in how much of this list gets completed, but seeing us work through this list will also provide more motivation to complete the rest of it...

without further ado (i.e. blabbering)... and in no particular order...

1)finish master bath (counter & shower were tiled over Christmas break, need to do floors, walls, figure out mirror situation, install vent, paint woodwork, accesorize)

2)guest bath (new tub, tear out wood paneling, repaint walls, new vanity, new floor)

3)countertops in kitchen (just replace with something neutral, decent looking and affordable)

4)PUT UP SHED (this one has been a thorn in my side b/c we purchased this shed 19 months ago and it has been sitting in boxes in our garage ever since. meanwhile our lawn mower is currently sitting outside w/6 inches of snow on top of it. how does this make any sense?)

5)flooring (we replaced the carpet in the house about 2 years ago, but it is looking B-A-D. would LOVE to put some sort of wood- even fake- down through the kitchen, dining, living, & hallway. bedrooms will be fine as-is)

6)paint woodwork (this is one of those pie in the sky dreams for me. i think it would be time consuming but would go a long way in updating the look of the house.)

7)new garage doors... enough said

8)put up a screen door w/our backdoor (while it would be amazing too replace the sliding doors with french doors, it just isn't something i'm interested in putting money on)

9)make curtains (mistreatments) for living/dining room. the blinds are necessary but ugly. let's bring on the pretty

10)replace living room furniture (we've had handmedowns since we got married and it is time to be grown ups and buy some stinking furniture. one couch and one recliner. that's all i'm asking for... and maybe an entertainment center of some kind)

whew! that's it. that's my list. only 10 things... not too shabby. of course, some of those are pretty expensive projects and it is going to take some thinking on how we're going to be able to afford some of those projects BUT the goodnews is that we can do a lot of the work ourselves (along with help from knowledgeable family) and our goal with all of this is not to have a high dollar makeover but just to update our house so that it really is ready to sell.

... let's see where this list is in 2011!